< although this blog is published , but its extremely personal and I am sure nobody’s gonna like it , so if you expecting to meet my past established standards for writing , I feel sorry for you in advance>
Its been a while since I wrote on my favorite zoner , relationships and philosophy , probably the engineer inside me started pushing me to the extremes but only till the time I am controlled and composed . This was me , scripting emotions with expressions on paper , walking tall with no regrets over my personal life , have enough courage to accept that right now I am in Love and I am Sad , I am sad courtesy my love.
It s true that I am different version of Devdas , who is still far away from alcohol , yet addicted to this blue emotion , still feel alone in the presence of billion .I was watching Spiderman -3 , I was able to feel the plight of being peter parker and his repressed feeling for Mary Jane(M.J.) , well I had one lady M in my life and my feelings for are still in repressed form, when the pressure of emotions gets out of control, the extra one falls out with exaggerated form to the people around me.
I feel bad about me so what I am successful, I am courteous, I am dedicated, I am all one could ever imagine, but I am still a lesser the man she ever can be with, even I am all that everything she could imagine in man she wanted to be with, still she don’t want me, she want similar kind of personality but not me.
She had an amazing time with me, I had some best moments of my life with her , but all in vain though I am still not able to figure out the reasons for our separation, so what I am gyan guru, I know the logic behind break ups, I know the logic behind link ups, I know how to control other people and their life , but don’t have control on mine.
So what , if I am a very good speaker , so what if I can make other feel bad or good about themselves, so what if I am very good motivator , but all in vain If I feel depressed about myself, even after good one and a half year.
To be very honest with myself, I was in love with her that realization came in consideration post my break up, I tried all stupid activities one can imagine, I went a mile too far, I did everything a crazy in love can do or can ever imagine, I can console myself that I gave my best to get her back.
But I think this is not my problem , my problem is I am not able to accept a rejection, I think it’s my ego that’s pushing me hard to get her back or it’s my ego who wants her back , it simply reflects that I am selfish or probably I am not satisfied from what I have!!!
Now the question is what exactly I have ?
I have everything a normal or typical Indian contemporary male can imagine at an age of 25 , I have good education , a good salary package , more than basic luxuries and amenities in life, bunch of awesomestic friends in life , a girl friend and a nice supportive family, I mean I cannot ask for better, I mean I cannot think bigger than this and even after all this I am in state of dilemma or have question marks on my face that I have rethink , re- evaluate the things I have, I cannot be in such state for any anonymous reason , if this is not Lady M than who and what the hell it is??????????????????
So many question marks in an individual’s life to be answered , so lets get back to questions and lets just see what exactly I have , being gyan guru is a nice thing to be , you solve almost every problem of other, you get indulged ,suggest people , help them unconditionally , irrationally in an unselfish way sometime you feel good about your self , sometime you feel bad about it , sometime you become a hero and sometime you become a villain and sometime its really painful when you speak the truth and the other side start crying ,big time.
So being gyan guru is like spiderman , you feel good about your powers though you can show them publicly , you have to wear a mask (in case of spiderman its superficial i.e his mask) , but in real life you can’t wear a mask, you have to help others wearing a transparent mask , you may project a wrong reflection of yours , by doing so you are not cheating with yourself , probably to others , but till its beneficial for him/her its OK, but the problem arises when repressed feelings of gyan guru collectively creates an invisible pressure and exaggerated feelings comes out that’s when gyan guru becomes selfish , he wants everything , he wants everything right now, he demands from himself to be focused on himself , he start questioning himself , this actually creates battle of conscience , this is as big as king kong is fighting with Godzilla , the rishi fights with the gyan guru inside him .
Gyan Guru starts questioning ,Rishi starts replying , gyan guru counters, shoots offensive maneuvers and tries to convince Rishi that’s when rishi feel bad about the things he have and feels sad about thing he don’t have.
But this “antardwand” or “inner conflict” can happen to anybody that’s what makes gyan guru a human , but what if somebody wants a closure on these conflict . So let me go ahead and reiterate the question in response the inner conflict.
Question what exactly I have?
Rishi Said “ a good education” . I am an engineer , because I have a degree of Bachelor of Technology in Computer science and engineering and I can go anywhere with a tag of an “Engineer “ over my head.
Gyan guru replied “ yes you are a engineer , you have btech degree from a state level university in an interclty level college , you prepared for medical entrance exam and did engineering that too in Computer science because in class second you scored good marks in computer and you played some games on computer in past.
At the name of education , you read in exams , prepared for CTs 40 subjects , 40 exams , 42 in your case , 120 CTS that makes 200 odd days served for the name of completion of degree named B.Tech .
You attended a more than average college, secured average marks, and considering that as education.
Rishi said “a good salary “ , because I am working efficiently, getting regular appraisals and salary hikes
Gyan Guru replies :- you have good salary because you are performing among bunch of some real idiots, or some real failure , everybody working around you is a loser one way or other , you are getting appraisals , because you are working in a small but growing company , but even after all this you are not the best , you are more than average but not the best. And considering that you are fetching good salary, its good relatively to the people working around you but still not the best , also what you are doing, that can be done without having extraordinary skills or education. If you were that much satisified with good salary you must not be planning for your skill upgrade , you must not be thinking to leave the job.
Rishi Said “more than basic luxuries and amenities “, because I have things that I can use whenever I need them.
Gyan guru replied :- having washing machine , computer , Owen , vehicle , joining fitness club and not using it appropriately is a wastage or its good for nothing, every luxury doesn’t not make sense if somebody is not making correct use of it . Anyone can do that every day without spending a penny. You know it that you are not happy with what you have, you still want thing to be upgraded one way or other.
Rishi said “ a nice Girlfriend” , because she loves me unconditionally and loves me more than anything in this world , even after knowing my past and lady M and have no embarrassment in accepting the truth.
Gyan Guru:- A girlfriend , who loves you and you trying to convince yourself that you love her also just because you want some one in your life as a replacement to Lady M, by doing so not only you cheating her , you also cheating yourself , you are doing no good to anybody, you will pay for your sins one day .
You use to love somebody else , she don’t fits in the criteria’s you actually wants to be in your girlfriend , lover or may be in life partner, you are trying to groom her , you are to improvise her by changing her own personality , tailioring for your own requirements, conditioning her as a substitute by keeping in mind if you didn’t get appropriate opportunities in life in terms of lover or life partner , you will switch over to this tailored one without thinking about the consequences, and without giving respect to her emotional feelings, that’s really ridiculous and selfish of you.
Would you be doing this to an innocent girl , who loved you for no reason , who is still in hope or in dilemma of having you in his life in her future . what if , luckily you got the one you are searching for , would you be leaving her for just a selfish reason, what if you would never be successful in conditioning her to your own requirement and you won’t get the dream girl of your life.
Would you be leaving her , and creating another one like you , what if the chain continues ….
Choice is yours , you can be a loser by posing an image of winner by grabbing all the superficial materialistic things in your life or you can be a real winner by accepting the truth around you .
Rishi said:- Gyan guru is nothing but me , he knows everything that I know, I ain’t a hero , so he is not either , lies, faking , hiding and mimicry is my area of jurisdiction, I am best in it and I am doing , whats best suited for me , so what If I act crazy at time or may be most of the time , I still get something good from life , I can console my self by doing so.
By truth , by reality all I am getting is shit , repent, sadness around me , I am in control when I am not speaking truth , when I am not accepting a reality , doing so give me immense power and motivation to fight and survive the world around me, so what if I am cheating with the world , atleast the world feel good about it ,so what if only gyan guru know s the truth , who gives a damn to gyan guru , no body Is bothered about gyan guru , gyan guru is nothing but me , and I am not gyan guru !!!
This is the end of gyan guru, this is the rise of rishi , and from now on to hell with gyan guru!!!