Since this blog thing came to existence, i was very enthusiastic about it, created a blog in lightning fast speed, and then never bothered to check the response from others(though i never had any). Recently I saw my friend Anurag started blogging with a better blogging tool ,caused me some kind of funny feeling inside my stomach, I just started digging inside me and found something to start with. In this blog I admit I am kind of “SENTI “seeking Aspirin for my pain.(ha ha ha just kidding ).But I must confess , I am expecting all readers to appreciate this world of imagination . As far as title of this post is concerned, Part one would be launched after the TRP's of this blog.
It’s been 2 months and a day since we, whom ppl thought to be most compatible, had a huge fight, making me believe in miracles right then . I anticipate my maths is right here.
She gave me a reason.
A journey across half the globe. Many half fights between us (Definition – I fought, she listened). A fortification of the belief that my parents get angry when they should contact the shehnai wale instead. Quite a few happy moments, with me giggling at my own jokes, on most occasions. And we were still together, with me admitting that she has contributed most to the fact that the relationship was going as strong as a well fed wrestler, with my contribution being spilling food, watching movies and driving her around , primarily.
When I was going through this experience… This experience had tainted quite a few things around me.
I mean, my telephone bills had ‘changed’ by a noticeable margin, to the terror of my mom and to the sheer delight of Idea (Which in turn can change ur life) and Reliance. The amount of driving I have been doing around the city had gone up (The sight of her house as I turn around the corner is sight more beautiful than Taj Mahal’s for me . Sorry , Jahangeer . Or Shahjahan . Whoever. ). . .
And believe it or not , for the first time in my life , I ambled into a Jewellery store at Ramganga Vihar , looked at the decked up chatterbox salesman as he eyed me suspiciously and mouthed the words “ I want a pair of earrings.” . Ok , the Ripley’s part ends here , because I gave up after looking at seven earrings , wondering how could anyone choose between things which are equally tiny , equally shiny and meant to be completely veiled under hair anyway so I finally settled for a bracelet (Which I liked very much and knew that it would be vice versa in her case) as her b’day gift.
But while the stuff which has changed around me is varied , with an entire chapter warranted for how my family took it and almost fed me to dinosaurs , the most felt change for me , has been inside me.
I mean, not that my kidneys have changed color; I am talking about internal transformation.
You know, this is not the first time someone put her faith in me . Is not the first time someone thought she would have me besides her in every storm. Is not the first time someone put me in a position where I could wound her , trusting that I would not. Idiot , I am . Guaranteed.
After all that past which would validate a Kameena Sequel to be shot on my life story , it was like god had e-mailed me a letter confirming that I was incapable of taking care of anybody , except my bike and computer maybe .
I had vividly visualized a Dolby surround system installed life where I would live alone , watching movies and eating Rajma Chawal only to die someday with the unpaid credit card guys being the only ones bothered by my death .
When I looked at myself in the mirror , I saw a guy who had run away from every difficult situation of his life . A guy who thought ‘walking away’ is a cool thing to do , yet ashamed in his heart. A guy who had come to believe that life is this meaningless string of moments , and more scaringly for me , had lost the will to find a meaning in this string of moments after joining a gradution course at a private college.
I know it was no holocaust I had faced , and there are people who have seen worse things such as a college hostel’s food , but to my mind , I was a useless failure , who could earn money and mimic some comedian , but was worse than a China made plastic bicycle when it came to reliability and trust.
And then she came along. Strong minded. Independent. Graceful. Elegant. A lady (sorry… girl) who had the sensitivity of a petal to heal life , yet the strength of a tree to face life . A heart which could absorb all pain yet could shed tears touched by the pain of a stranger , that too quite often. A soul which held an understanding the very wise have, yet cares like the most innocent child ever. In short, my complete, geometrical opposite.
Considering the opinion I had about myself , I believe it would have taken a lot of foolishness or marijuana for me to believe I could be the guy she deserved , and to this day , I believe I am lesser than the guy she deserves.
But yet , since that day , she has been a friend , a guide and an inspiration for me . Without trying to teach me , she has given me something I could never give myself , something no amount of movies or fiction books could give me , something no amount of hours immersed at work could give me .
She gave me a reason.
She gave me the reason to believe I can be a better man when she says she trusts me because of my glorious past(my awesome college life my future blog) and class XII marks.
She gave me the reason to wake up at 4.30 in the morning to ensure she reaches the coaching classes she is supposed to attend , even though it is hard getting up that early even for a free sandwich.
She gave me the reason to feel special by arranging a birthday on a blue exam morning. By the way, she took over the knife after thirty seconds and cut amazingly neat slices. How do women do that?
She gave me the reason to call her as I grip the steering wheel with one hand, imagining the smile that would emerge on her face seeing my name on the cell screen. Pretty dangerous, that driving stunt . Don’t tell her.
She gave me the reason to stand up to accusations and screams, determined not to step aside, but to go through them and claim all the credits that belonged to me.
She gave me the reason to choose the hard but right path, having learnt from her that a righteous life is better than a convenient life.
She gave me the reason to again believe that goodness and simplicity can exist and thrive in this world inhabited by greed, egos and exorbitant petrol prices.
She gave me the reason to know I am going to be all right , because my definition of being ‘all right’ has changed from not facing problems to solving them.
She gave me the reason to truly wish a smile on the face of someone not even aware of my own presence in that moment.
She gave me the reason to feel accepted, not because I am perfect, but because someone does not expect perfection.
In a way, I think I never cared about the kind of guy I was. A bunch of mistakes, I lacked the reason and the confidence to do anything about every mistake I had committed and biggest being hurting her.
She gave me the reason to want to be a man better than who I am.
You know, I know I will never be the man she deserves to be with.
From that dream about death amongst pizza, cartons and a TV remote, I dream about a life which ends with the joy of having lived for people I really loved.
Because while a boy finds a girl who keeps him happy , this boy has found a girl he wants to remain happy all through her life and so he doesn’t want his paths to cross with hers’.
I don’t know if ‘you’ are reading this , but if you are , I just want you to know that I have made a lot of mistakes , and my grammar is all wrong , and I crack jokes nobody gets , but I loved you without expectations and whatever I’m doing I’m doing it for u. And I will never stop doing that coz "i love you"!!!
I think i should stop writing all this becasue each and every word is making me SENTi, i should keep some expression inside me , possibly my next blog "meri Last Prem kahani Part 1" will need that....
me signing off me here